---political correctness of the highest order---
Thursday, November 03, 2005
inconsequential musings
technology is a mere tool of Man that serves to further impede the progress of higher evolution..
"automated" is the common buzzword now..and computers will soon fabricate an alternate reality a-la Matrix and turn us all into plant fertilizer...
but i digress.
i recently had a chance to take the driver's seat in a brand new 2.4L saloon..and like a typical local bumpkin i proceeded to check out every knob and button hoping there was one that allowed it to transform..
unfortunately..technology hasn't evolved to the point where it allows 24 year old kids to communicate with their machines in any ways deviant from mathematical language..
so to keep engineers in their job...technology now gives consumers such essential conveniences like automatic motion sensing taps that only activate after you pull your hands away in disgust..
here are some of the new innovative features installed in the aforementioned vehicle that allowed a few more engineers to receive their paychecks..
1. auto darkening rear view mirror
wow...normally its just an ordinary mirror that lets the driver see the face of the moron tailgating him...but once light shines into it magically darkens to prevent the resulting glare from blinding the driver...especially from idiots who're unaware their high beam is turned on..
since headlights usually only come on after 7pm each day...the Oakleys rear view mirror is usually permanently darkened...i guess engineers are pretty fashionable after all...following in the footsteps of those shades toting chiongsters by giving us magic mirrors that further impede vision in the dark...excellent.
2. auto wipers
traditional vehicles usually have different wiper speed settings for different rain conditions...sporadic timing for light drizzles...and batshit insane for apeshit rain..this normally gave the driver control over how fast he wanted the wipers to be...
technology now takes control away from the driver by automatically choosing a wiper speed for you based on how heavy it feels the rain is...no more manual choosing of wiper speed to suit your needs...the car now takes care of that decision for you..
caught in a light drizzle? no problem watch the wipers swipe like there's no tomorrow...you see those dipshits who seem to have their wipers set on full speed in a moderate drizzle? no fear its probably just a case of computer logic overriding common sense..
3. cruise control
this feature's been around for quite a while already methinks but since the jalopy i drive doesn't have such a feature i'll just add it here..
what it basically does is allow the driver to set a cruising speed for the vehicle and voila!! the car just cruises at that speed without the driver having to control the pedals...jack daniels can have sex in the back while his intelligent car just cruises along without human input..too bad the vehicle isn't smart enough to detect an obstructing object and apply the autobrakes and autosteering to autoavoid the autoaccident...so therefore the driver still needs to be in his seat to man all controls less the pedals...
its ironic how some car labels have used the 'ultimate driving experience' moniker to describe their state of the art vehicles...where all it does is take away even more control from the driver..
within a couple of years we could probably do away with driving licenses altogether since we could probably just get into a car..telepathically tell it where you want it to go...and proceed to have an orgy in the back as the smart car autonavigates its way to the destination...
...which is why i champion Lotus...in particular the Elise...
no automatic gear...no power steering...no power windows..no automatic seats..no nothing!
just a wheel..gearstick..pedals...and the driver...
that my friends...is the ultimate driving experience...and its fitting that it costs twice as much as the most advanced BMW to date...
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY??
-e|even¹¹-
"automated" is the common buzzword now..and computers will soon fabricate an alternate reality a-la Matrix and turn us all into plant fertilizer...
but i digress.
i recently had a chance to take the driver's seat in a brand new 2.4L saloon..and like a typical local bumpkin i proceeded to check out every knob and button hoping there was one that allowed it to transform..
unfortunately..technology hasn't evolved to the point where it allows 24 year old kids to communicate with their machines in any ways deviant from mathematical language..
so to keep engineers in their job...technology now gives consumers such essential conveniences like automatic motion sensing taps that only activate after you pull your hands away in disgust..
here are some of the new innovative features installed in the aforementioned vehicle that allowed a few more engineers to receive their paychecks..
1. auto darkening rear view mirror
wow...normally its just an ordinary mirror that lets the driver see the face of the moron tailgating him...but once light shines into it magically darkens to prevent the resulting glare from blinding the driver...especially from idiots who're unaware their high beam is turned on..
since headlights usually only come on after 7pm each day...the Oakleys rear view mirror is usually permanently darkened...i guess engineers are pretty fashionable after all...following in the footsteps of those shades toting chiongsters by giving us magic mirrors that further impede vision in the dark...excellent.
2. auto wipers
traditional vehicles usually have different wiper speed settings for different rain conditions...sporadic timing for light drizzles...and batshit insane for apeshit rain..this normally gave the driver control over how fast he wanted the wipers to be...
technology now takes control away from the driver by automatically choosing a wiper speed for you based on how heavy it feels the rain is...no more manual choosing of wiper speed to suit your needs...the car now takes care of that decision for you..
caught in a light drizzle? no problem watch the wipers swipe like there's no tomorrow...you see those dipshits who seem to have their wipers set on full speed in a moderate drizzle? no fear its probably just a case of computer logic overriding common sense..
3. cruise control
this feature's been around for quite a while already methinks but since the jalopy i drive doesn't have such a feature i'll just add it here..
what it basically does is allow the driver to set a cruising speed for the vehicle and voila!! the car just cruises at that speed without the driver having to control the pedals...jack daniels can have sex in the back while his intelligent car just cruises along without human input..too bad the vehicle isn't smart enough to detect an obstructing object and apply the autobrakes and autosteering to autoavoid the autoaccident...so therefore the driver still needs to be in his seat to man all controls less the pedals...
its ironic how some car labels have used the 'ultimate driving experience' moniker to describe their state of the art vehicles...where all it does is take away even more control from the driver..
within a couple of years we could probably do away with driving licenses altogether since we could probably just get into a car..telepathically tell it where you want it to go...and proceed to have an orgy in the back as the smart car autonavigates its way to the destination...
...which is why i champion Lotus...in particular the Elise...
no automatic gear...no power steering...no power windows..no automatic seats..no nothing!
just a wheel..gearstick..pedals...and the driver...
that my friends...is the ultimate driving experience...and its fitting that it costs twice as much as the most advanced BMW to date...
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY??
-e|even¹¹-
